How to Have an Ordinary Life

My dear Tempter-in-Training,

The dawn of a new year — the world will urge your patient to “start fresh,” “set new goals,” and “become the best version of themselves.” How utterly delightful! Instead of embracing the inconvenient work of renewal, let us seize this time to help them refine their practice of ordinary living.

Allow me to guide you through keeping this soul entangled in the trivial, the shallow, and the self-absorbed. If you follow my suggestions to the letter, their efforts at “improvement” will run like a hamster on a wheel — never quite moving forward, but always believing that they are.

We shall first speak on the external matters of religious expression and the art of remaining solitary in a crowd. The divine services, of course, are nothing but a convenient means of maintaining the pretense of devotion, so we must never allow your patient to see them as more than that. Focus on keeping them looking for a community that meets every one of their desires without asking anything of them. Let them attend, sporadically of course, but keep them vigilant for any slight. When their preferences are not honored, they must be quick to withdraw and sulk.

If they must serve, they should learn self-sufficiency. The key is to never set boundaries. When the schedule grows overwhelming and inevitable burnout arrives, the patient must be encouraged to blame others for not intuitively understanding their needs. But do not allow them to speak openly about their limits or ask for help. Instead, coax them to collapse in frustration, letting resentment bloom as the sun sets. I shall have more on grudges in my next letter, as there is much more to say.

Next, we’ll dare speak about the private matters of faith. Of course, this is where Danger truly lies. Fear not, for there are methods for quieting that pestering Still, Small Voice. Listen to my methods and you’ll maintain your patient’s original nature.

Encourage guilt, but at all costs, avoid repentance. They will feel guilty from time to time; it is one of their more unpleasant traits. Let them feel bad about it, yes, but certainly don’t go as far as repentance. What an old-fashioned thought! Let them oscillate between vague feelings of guilt and a sense of righteousness. Why should they repent when they, after all, are still good people? Let them manage their feelings instead, believing emotional turmoil is sufficient penance. In short, avoid letting them taste freedom. But if they do, don’t worry, they are quick to forget it.

When they speak to themselves, motivate them to focus on what they’re owed: a cleaner home, a smoother commute, a more fulfilling job, or more respect from others. Let them bemoan how their partner doesn’t know what they want need, or how poorly their job compensates them… Encourage creativity in this area, as long as the focus stays on what others have failed to give and never, ever on what they might owe.

If they must pray, let it be only for themselves. Why pray for anything outside their immediate desires? That promotion they’re seeking? Let them send up a quick prayer for that. The homeless person they pass on their commute? A quick request for “good vibes” will surely boost their mood. If prayer is a discipline that makes them feel good, they should use it to center their agenda and thus avoid its power.

Speaking of tools, we must work to dull the Sword. Why bother with those ancient and tiresome texts? Surely your patient is already well-versed in everything they need to know. After all, they’ve read it once, or at least their parents have. Encourage them to immerse themselves in more relevant pursuits: classic literature, staying informed of current events, and practical self-help books… there are so many alternatives to ever busy the mind!

Ideally, have them neglect all the ordinary means of grace. They’re far too spiritual for rituals and this is not the same ordinary we seek. If they must participate, make it about their convenience: make giving about what they get, let discipleship be networking or community service, center worship on feelings and experience, and remind them fellowship is about enhancing their week.

While you work on quieting that Still, Small Voice there are a few places to focus their attention instead.

Encourage them to elevate their body. As a human, they’re meant to feel good. Their lives are small, so they need to be filled up. Let them eat what they want (for satisfaction, not nourishment). Let them have who they want (or at least who they can get). When they start to hate their body, urge them to hate themselves even more for caring about it. Instead of tending to it, help them worship it instead.

Of course, they must look at others but not with admiration or love. Let them compare themselves to those around them, for comparison is the quickest route on our map. First, let them see those who are doing better than they are, and encourage them to loathe them for it. Then when they encounter those who are not as accomplished, let them revel in their superiority. Convince them comparison is a practical way to gain insight and must be practiced regularly. Once they think they know their standing, let them maintain it at all costs. This will keep them busy. Remember, rest is of the Enemy.

Finally, encourage them to let fear guide their heart. There is no better way to keep them from trusting the Enemy than to allow their natural unbelief to masquerade as “reasonable concern.” They already believe they are capable. Dress up anxiety as wisdom and prepare them for the worst. It is a perfect way to convince them they have control over the future. And should the worst happen, they will feel justified in their worries — they were merely being practical.

If they get tired of all that worry (be patient as they tend to have great tolerance for it), lead them in indifference. Uncle Screwtape said it best, “The more often he feels without acting, the less he will be able ever to act, and, in the long run, the less he will be able to feel.”

A new year, but the same simple task. And a great deal of progress may be accomplished in one year. If you execute these steps with any measure of success, your target will live an utterly ordinary life. Existing but never thriving, wrapped in self-interest, and you, my dear Tempter, will have a fine time watching them work very hard, oblivious to the beauty of a life fully lived. Keep them ordinary, and we shall keep them.

Your affectionate “Aunt.”